Our family has had some very wonderful moments this year. And right along with those wonderful moments, we've had moments that have brought us to our knees, begging the Lord for strength, and mercy.
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| "Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." -James 1:2 |
On New Years day of this very year, I received news my father passed away. I was brought to my knees, literally, in that moment. You see, my dad and I had a strained relationship due to his struggle with a horrible disease known as alcoholism. In the recent years, it had gotten worse (his addiction, and my ability to deal with that addiction). I was completely blind sighted and heartbroken. Left to deal with all of the things I should have said, should have done. Those were some of the most difficult days of my life. So as the year went on, and with some assistance from a therapist (oh, I'm not too proud, therapy is good for the soul people)...I was able to deal. I've been able to deal with the issue of his addiction, of his passing, and of our relationship. My dad loved me the best way he knew how. And that is enough for me.
So, I have been living on this journey to positivity in order to restore my soul. Because, you know, your soul gets pretty banged up when hard stuff happens.
You won't even guess what the best part is. Or maybe you will.
The best part of my journey this year has been how it has impacted my relationship with the Lord. I mean, there is no better medicine for my soul than a little dose of Jesus' love. And when I am reminded of His love for me, I just melt. And I cannot believe it, because I am so undeserving...but he is ever faithful.
Which brings me to our next hurdle of this year, which has reminded me that I need to keep trusting, keep praying, keep loving.
The first of November we found out we were pregnant. What began as a joy to our little family, quickly ended with heartbreak. In that very same week, we were also told that the pregnancy would not be viable and therefore we would miscarry. The days to follow were some of the most difficult we have experienced yet. It was one of those, "bring-you-to-your-knees" moments that we just had to trust that the Lord was keeping us, protecting us, preparing us for something greater. In those moments, we begged for strength and mercy. I mourned for my sweet little child who had not yet been born, and whom I would not get the chance to hold. My husband was a rock in those days, so steadily carrying the weight of our loss, and holding me along with it.
The first of November we found out we were pregnant. What began as a joy to our little family, quickly ended with heartbreak. In that very same week, we were also told that the pregnancy would not be viable and therefore we would miscarry. The days to follow were some of the most difficult we have experienced yet. It was one of those, "bring-you-to-your-knees" moments that we just had to trust that the Lord was keeping us, protecting us, preparing us for something greater. In those moments, we begged for strength and mercy. I mourned for my sweet little child who had not yet been born, and whom I would not get the chance to hold. My husband was a rock in those days, so steadily carrying the weight of our loss, and holding me along with it.
I'm stronger because I had to be.
I'm smarter because of my mistakes.
Happier because of the sadness I've known.
And now I'm wiser because I have learned.
You see, I believe no one is exempt from hard times. It's what you do with those hard times that matters. To be completely honest, I don't know that I necessarily believe in the ever popular idea that "God won't give you more than you can handle" either. I look at it more like, sometimes bad things happen in life that we don't understand, or haven't planned for, or don't expect and they find us when our guard is down and its a way for us to learn to lean not on our own understanding, but on the Lord's.
I am a believer in new beginnings. I am a believer that He makes all things new. I am a believer in goodness, and hope. I CHOOSE to believe these things, each and every day. And it's not always easy, but if I keep walking in the light then surely the light will shine on me and eventually through me.
"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16
So I ask myself often (being the perfectionist person that I am), what if I fall? And I've pretty much discovered that I AM going to fall sometimes, and I'm adjusting to that. But then there's this little voice of hope that says, "oh but darling, what if you fly?"
-Anna
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