Baby No. 2 - Coffee, Diapers, and Joy

In the past week...

We've had less sleep than we've had in the past 3 years.

We've consumed 50 gallons of coffee.

We've changed 30 little diapers. 

Then had to wash baby poop off of the comforter.

We've slept with two little boys in our bed...and two big dogs. All at once.

We've consoled a crying newborn, and wiped the tears of our 3 year old. 

We've consumed 50 gallons of coffee. 

Did I mention we've consumed a whole lot of coffee?

And I cannot even begin to describe the amount of joy that has flooded our hearts in the past seven days. It's like this natural high we've been on for days, and it just won't go away. There are always so many uncertainties with a new baby that bring a certain level of insecurity and doubt in new parents, 

and it's not to say there haven't been those. 

But the moments when the joy comes rushing in like a powerful wave on the coast overwhelm my heart and the uncertainties and doubt are drowned in my absolute adoration for my three guys. 

My family. This is the good stuff. 

If you'd have told me last year that the pain I was feeling post-miscarriage would lead to this joy, I'm honestly not sure I would have believed you. B

But today I can say God's promises are true. 

I've found myself looking at my husband thinking, how in the hell did I get this lucky? Excuse my french but, seriously. 

He's on the high too. 

I've watched him dive in completely...without any hesitation or frustration. "You are fully embracing the dad life, aren't you?" I asked him last night as we drove around looking at Christmas lights. He looked over at me with the fullest smile I've ever seen and he didn't need to answer. 

My cup runneth over. 

What if I fall?

It's a wonderful life we live, isn't it? Even when it's not so wonderful, life is pretty incredible in and of itself. Quite the miracle to witness.

Our family has had some very wonderful moments this year. And right along with those wonderful moments, we've had moments that have brought us to our knees, begging the Lord for strength, and mercy. 

"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." -James 1:2

On New Years day of this very year, I received news my father passed away. I was brought to my knees, literally, in that moment. You see, my dad and I had a strained relationship due to his struggle with a horrible disease known as alcoholism. In the recent years, it had gotten worse (his addiction, and my ability to deal with that addiction). I was completely blind sighted and heartbroken. Left to deal with all of the things I should have said, should have done. Those were some of the most difficult days of my life. So as the year went on, and with some assistance from a therapist (oh, I'm not too proud, therapy is good for the soul people)...I was able to deal. I've been able to deal with the issue of his addiction, of his passing, and of our relationship. My dad loved me the best way he knew how. And that is enough for me.

So, I have been living on this journey to positivity in order to restore my soul. Because, you know, your soul gets pretty banged up when hard stuff happens. 

You won't even guess what the best part is. Or maybe you will.

The best part of my journey this year has been how it has impacted my relationship with the Lord. I mean, there is no better medicine for my soul than a little dose of Jesus' love. And when I am reminded of His love for me, I just melt. And I cannot believe it, because I am so undeserving...but he is ever faithful. 

Which brings me to our next hurdle of this year, which has reminded me that I need to keep trusting, keep praying, keep loving.


The first of November we found out we were pregnant. What began as a joy to our little family, quickly ended with heartbreak. In that very same week, we were also told that the pregnancy would not be viable and therefore we would miscarry. The days to follow were some of the most difficult we have experienced yet. It was one of those, "bring-you-to-your-knees" moments that we just had to trust that the Lord was keeping us, protecting us, preparing us for something greater. In those moments, we begged for strength and mercy. I mourned for my sweet little child who had not yet been born, and whom I would not get the chance to hold. My husband was a rock in those days, so steadily carrying the weight of our loss, and holding me along with it.

I'm stronger because I had to be. 

I'm smarter because of my mistakes.

Happier because of the sadness I've known.

And now I'm wiser because I have learned. 

You see, I believe no one is exempt from hard times. It's what you do with those hard times that matters. To be completely honest, I don't know that I necessarily believe in the ever popular idea that "God won't give you more than you can handle" either. I look at it more like, sometimes bad things happen in life that we don't understand, or haven't planned for, or don't expect and they find us when our guard is down and its a way for us to learn to lean not on our own understanding, but on the Lord's. 

I am a believer in new beginnings. I am a believer that He makes all things new. I am a believer in goodness, and hope. I CHOOSE to believe these things, each and every day. And it's not always easy, but if I keep walking in the light then surely the light will shine on me and eventually through me.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16

So I ask myself often (being the perfectionist person that I am), what if I fall? And I've pretty much discovered that I AM going to fall sometimes, and I'm adjusting to that. But then there's this little voice of hope that says, "oh but darling, what if you fly?" 

-Anna

One Year Later

My dearest Hudson,

I cannot believe it's been a year since that eventful day you came into this world. I want you to know how many people were there at the hospital, all day, waiting for your arrival. Before you even arrived, you had captured the hearts of so many. But as your mommy, I cannot tell you how much joy, fear, strength, and love you have brought into my life. I have said it so many times, but before you, I had longed so much to be a mother and you made all of those hopes and dreams come true by making me one!

Your entrance brought a lot of joy, but there was also a lot of uncertainty. As your mommy I worried a lot about whether you would grow and thrive the way I know God intentioned for you to. There were so many people praying for you and your treatment as an itty bitty boy. I remember those first few weeks being some of the most heart aching, wonderful days of my life. It was hard watching you have to wear those little casts all of the time. Yet, I was mesmerized by you. We dreamt of the day we would watch you run and play. Although there were days that were extrememely difficult, I want you to know that Jesus kept me constant and reminded me that you, my son, were going to do great things.

As the days slowly turned into weeks, and the weeks into months, you continued to not only grow and thrive, but overflow our cups with joy and love. You were SUCH a good little boy. You slept well, you ate well, you cuddled, you cooed, you pooped, and you did it all in stride. I know there will be a lot you will teach me about patience.

Hudson, this past week, celebrating your first birthday was simply a reminder from the Lord of His promises. Jesus promised daddy and I that He would take care of you this first year and the years to come, and he did that and so much more. I wish there was a way to put into words how it feels to be your mommy, but I simply cannot limit the love I have for you to a few words on a page. You must know through everything I do that you are loved immeasurably more!

You will look back at pictures as you grow big and strong and see that there were many people here to celebrate you on your first year. You are that special to so many people. It was the most perfect day. There was a crisp fall feel to the air, and the sun shone so bright for you. Friends and family filed into our little house with food, gifts and smiles anxiously awaiting to hear your sweet giggle or catch a glimpse of your stunning smile with those eyes that would light up a room. We laughed as you (and mommy and daddy) opened gifts and you were so enamored with the big kids trying to help as well. We celebrated by singing happy birthday, and letting you dig in to your monster cake. Which you did, and you ate about half. Haha. The day was simply a reflection of the joy and happiness you have brought us over this past year. And in true fashion, you made this day even more perfect by taking your  very first steps. YOU my son, are a miracle and those first steps are more than just that. They represent all that you will accomplish in this life.

I want to wish you a very happy first birthday, and simply try and tell you I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for being my joy, and my pride. You are my boy.

Love,

Your mommy


We partied hard to celebrate your birthday sweet boy, here are our captured moments!

Answers

It's been a few months since my last post. I had assumed I would blog more when summer hit, but I have been so consumed with spending time with my little family it's been difficult to sit down and do it. Should I also mention I've started my MASTERS! I'm a crazy girl, I know. But I have to get it done before any more babes. That's my goal. Being a professional, an effective teacher, its important to me and I didn't want to loose that in myself. I want to be fair to myself and show my son how to follow Gods will for his life even when it's not cookie cutter simple. That's that. I'm doing it, and I wouldn't have had the faith to jump into it had my husband not pushed me! He's my support. So that being said, I just finished my homework for the night and wanted to reflect on today and the past few months (since I am such a dedicated blogger).

RANT: I will NEVER be a that insanely amazing perfect blogger, with tons of projects completed, organized house, life, etc. SORRY. AND it's hard sometimes because I am such a perfectionist. That's why Pinterest is bad for me sometimes. Makes be feel constantly inadequate.

BUT THEN I REMEMBER: My little family is IMPERFECTLY PERFECT. And I LOVE this life. So its okay. It's messy sometimes. And then I clean it up. :) Haha. My hubby hates it when I get all OCD. 

Okay, so past few months have been wonderful. Summer began and we HAVE been working on some house projects, some baby projects, and have been loving our time with Huddy.

Recap of the past few months:

1. Hudson has 4 teeth.

2. Hudson can crawl.

3. Hudson talks and laughs ALL of the time. It is PURE joy.

4. Hudson is pulling up. Freaking me out.

5. House has been BABY PROOFED!

6. Hudson eats ALL of time! And he feeds himself. He's like a real little human. Whoa. 

7. Hudson loves to swim.

8. Mommy is a nervous wreck all of the time with all this movement.

9. Feet check up NEXT WEEK. (Crossing our fingers for daytime FREE feet, aka, boots and brace will only be worn while sleeping.)

10. God has still been faithful. No words.

A boy and his dog. He is in love with Lucy. We warned her this would happen. She definitely had it coming!

Discovering black beans are SO messy, but SO fun. Boys.

Enjoying Nanna & Pop Pop's pool.

The face of ornery!

Today we had a long awaited appointment to get some answers about Hudson's club feet and minor hand issues. First of all, can I just say how blessed we are to have such a wonderful Children's hospital right here in our city with so many wonderful doctors and nurses? Ok, yes. It's true. It's wonderful. 

Today we met with a Genetics doctor. We went in with several puzzle pieces, club feet, deformities in his hands, fused spinal bones, and possibly some eye, and heart issues. We left with a diagnosis. Hudson has what is called Duane-Radial Ray Syndrome. It's a pretty huge answer to prayer to know now what this disorder is that has affected my family for five generations now. It's what I have with my little crooked thumb, and what several other family members have. For so long, they assumed Hudson's clubfeet was an isolated case, but today we discovered that clubfeet is just a variation of this syndrome. He may have a slight "lazy eye" although not very noticeable. He also has a very small heart murmur, which is not of huge concern as they are fairly common. One of the other symptoms of this syndrome is hearing loss so Hudson will go in for regular hearing tests. His Daddy also has mid range hearing loss and that's a family trait on his side so it's pretty possible Hudson will have to deal with some of that as well. 

I just wanted to cry today. At first, I was so happy to finally know that we had a diagnosis and that we could use that to know what to expect. So I wanted to cry because I was happy. It's a big deal. Then, it was all just a little overwhelming, and I wanted to cry because I didn't know what his future would bring him. It took me back to the same moment when we discovered he had club feet to begin with. Isn't every mother's wish for their child to live a full, happy, wonderful life? That's all I want for my precious Huddy. I never want ANY syndrome, label, disorder, disease, abnormality, or difference to stop him from doing what he wants to accomplish. Never. And I never want to see him hurting or sad because he feels he isn't accepted or that he can't do something. I know any good parent feels this same way. 

So then I find myself remembering that these doubts, and fears, they don't have any substance. The devil is doing his darndest to get me to feel defeated. And I refuse to give into that. I have hope that my little man is going to do GREAT things. I've said it all along, God has BIG plans for this kid. Just look at that last picture! 

Man, when I think about how my heart aches at that the thought of my baby hurting in any way shape or form it makes me wonder if this is any glimpse of how Jesus feels when we are hurting? Goodness. It's overwhelming. 

I can honestly tell you that Hudson doesn't have any directly serious medical issues from this syndrome and for that, I am grateful. This adventure of parenting is wonderful, and I am blessed God chose me to be Hudson's mommy. 

Anna

Never a Dull Moment

We've been going, going, going since Hudson blessed us with his presence in September and there have been absolutely zero dull moments around Casa De Huff.

Since finding out about Hudson's club feet, I knew that God would allow our story to provide comfort to other mama's and daddy's in their fear, and uncertainty with having a baby with club feet. I had faith that He would allow us to do it, I just didn't really know how.

In the past month, we were able to share our Hudson story on one of the Club Feet blogs that provided US with much comfort after finding out that Hudson had them. Faith, Feet, and Love allowed us to share our story on their blog, and we were so honored. Check it out for yourself here!

A few weeks ago, we were eating dinner and sat across from a young couple with a son around 18 months old who I noticed kept eying Hudson's brace (typical, as I get that a lot when we are out). I just figured they didn't knw what it was and wondered what I had done to my kid. Later, they got our attention and told us that their son had a brace as well, only he now only has to wear his at night. It was such a great reminder that you just never know who you might meet and what connection you might have with them!

My favorite time of day is when I get to cuddle and rock my little guy to sleep. I get to soak up these fleeting moments with him. We are absolutely loving how much he has turned our world upside down! It's SO hard to put into words what being a parent does to you, its incredibly spiritual and beautiful. LOVE that kid SOOOO much!

Here are some highlights of our last month, moments we are cherishing!

Couldn't help myself. This could be used for black mail one day. :) Or maybe just senior year of high school.

Hudson's first Easter

I love my family.

Hudson meeting his great-grandma Nita!

My big 6 month old boy!

Those eyes MELT my heart!

Miracle Feet

Our little family, love my boys!

I am totally biased, but he is a beautiful boy.

Hudson Goes to Florida

We left warm, beautiful, sunny Florida early yesterday morning and returned to overcast, damp, chilly Kansas. It was a wonderful trip and coming back was hard but home is always good. So with the another impending snow storm headed our way I thought I would sit down and share about the adventures of our trip. 

Ry & I before leaving KC.

I had some anxiety about this trip 1. going through TSA with Hudson's Ponseti brace  and 2. traveling (flying) with a baby. So, of course, I did my research and decided that Hudson would just wear his brace through security so that if TSA decided to start questioning the brace they could see that he needed to wear it. We walked through and set off the buzzer so they asked us to step aside. 20 minutes later both Ryne and I got a full pat down and were finally cleared. It really didn't bother me at the time because I guess I had pretty much expected it but I later started thinking about the fact that there could actually be someone coming through that is dangerous and they were wasting their time with us. Not to mention, the newly revised rule that passengers may now carry pocket knives on air planes. Really?! Who needs a pocket knife on an AIRPLANE?! Rant over. Sorry.

So as we took off on our first flight with Hudson, I was SO nervous! I didn't want to be the people on the airplane with a screaming baby. I could just imagine him screaming and crying the whole time and both Ry and I being stressed to the MAX trying to console him. I know it's not something we can entirely control and there are so many people who completely understand, but there's always Joe Schmoe who apparently has either never had children or just thinks his children are better than everyone else and will stare/give dirty looks the entire time. Thankfully, we didn't have to worry about ANY of that. Hudson was a complete dream. He slept and played the entire way and didn't shed a tear! We just keep thinking that this isn't real. Haha. And it's a good thing too because our first flight into Nashville went right through a storm and was hit by lightning, twice! I have a touch of flying anxiety to begin with so that just about sent me over the edge. Luckily, we landed fine and our second flight was a cake walk.

The week in Florida was incredible. We had so much fun watching Hudson experience so many firsts! We made a little exception and let him have a little more free feet time just so he could enjoy the sun & sand while we were there. We have been really committed to his brace wear for so long, partly because I was so adamant about him having the best results possible and partly because Hudson has made it so easy. One thing that I have been continually reminded of about Hudson, is that he has a very soothed and steady demeanor. Even before birth, he was just go with the flow.  As I reflect on the past 6 months and all of the journey we have already experienced, I am amazed at his progress, the way we have become a family, the knowledge and expertise of our doctors who have helped us step by step, and the many moments when our friends and family have stopped to say a prayer for Hudson and those little miracle feet!

Hudson's first time swimming. He loved it. I think we have a water baby! (sorry for the paleness!)

Hudson baby's first time on the beach. And he was 6 months this day!

Miracle feet experiencing the ocean for the first time.

Hudson loves his Auntie Annie so much! He is blessed to have aunts and uncles who love him so much.

Hudson visited the zoo for the first time in Florida

His favorite animal was the giraffe! Probably because he loves his Sophie so much!

And this sums up Hudson's thoughts after an adventure filled vacation. :)

Mama said there'd be days like this

Time for an update. Lots to update! First, I just need to say that I really enjoy getting to share our story through this blog. I used to write all the time. It was therapeutic, and I sincerely loved it. I had journals full of diary entries, prayers, thoughts, whatever. Being able to write again has reminded me how much I loved it, and why it was so important to me.

October - Lots & lots of cuddles with the boy. He was Tigger for Halloween. He slept through all of the trick or treaters coming. October flew by fast I felt like. I guess that's what happens when you have a new baby! We are so blessed with Hudson though. He is such a happy baby. In October, he started smiling...a lot. Nothing better. Nothing.

Everyone always asks us, "is he a good sleeper?" I just smile and say "yes, yes he is." I did so much reading about babies with clubfeet before Hudson was born so I could prepare myself for what would be to come, and what I read a lot of what that babies with club feet have a harder time sleeping through the night. Makes since. With all of the castings, surgeries, and the brace...I totally got it. But when Hudson slept through the night for the first time at 3 weeks...I was appalled. I just knew it wouldn't last. But it did. He has only had a few "sleepless" nights here and there due to some uncomfort from his treatment. Those nights seem so long. But I often have to remind myself how LUCKY we are that he just did this on his own. He's amazing.

November - Hudson had his tenotomy at the beginning of the month. It was really an unexplainable feeling to know that this was the right thing, the best thing for Hudson even, but to know that he was going to have to go through pain to get there was SO hard. I do think this was the hardest part of the entire treatment process.  They casted him immediately afterward, and we took him home right after the procedure. That might have been the scariest part. We were told to watch his bleeding, and that if it was excessive to call. He had some big spots of blood on his casts, and we freaked a little but in the end it all ended up to be okay.

We also celebrated Hudson's first Thanksgiving this month. He didn't get to fully enjoy the holiday, but I imagine next year he will indulge in some turkey and mashed 'taters. :)

I went back to work the following week after Thanksgiving. Being a working mama is a whole different ballgame people. All mama's work hard, and stay at home mama's work hard, I know, but being a working mama is pretty tough. There is a lot to balance. Being devoted to both career and family. I especially think teachers have it tough. I know so many teachers that work so many late hours just to give their students the best they deserve. As a mommy, its a tug of war of devotion. I am slowing figuring out how to manage it all. I love my job, and it is my calling in life. But I have quickly learned that I am FIRST and FOREMOST a mommy to Hudson and wife to Ry, then I am a teacher.

December - Has begun! It is my very favorite time of the year, and not just because of my birthday. ;) I just love the entire environment of December! The shopping, the lights, the cool crisp air, family, and lots of love! The biggest thing so far? Hudson is cast FREE! Last week he got the casts removed, and we came home in a new brace (aka snowboard)! The best part about the brace is free feet bath time. Hudson loves it. And I really love touching his little toes! The adjustment to the brace has been a little bit of a challenge for Hudson. He has had to learn to kick both feet at the same time, and his right foot has been a little sore. But we are going to make it through this transition phase just like we have every other step of the way.

You wanna know the best part about this whole process? The Lord has been with us each step of the way. We are so blessed to know He has not left our side.

Joshua 1:9

As I watched Hudson coo and laugh the other night, it was as if I heard a voice inside tell me something very important about him. He is a very special boy. The Lord has plans for my son. Amazing plans. He is going to be the hands and feet of Christ.