What if I fall?

It's a wonderful life we live, isn't it? Even when it's not so wonderful, life is pretty incredible in and of itself. Quite the miracle to witness.

Our family has had some very wonderful moments this year. And right along with those wonderful moments, we've had moments that have brought us to our knees, begging the Lord for strength, and mercy. 

"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." -James 1:2

On New Years day of this very year, I received news my father passed away. I was brought to my knees, literally, in that moment. You see, my dad and I had a strained relationship due to his struggle with a horrible disease known as alcoholism. In the recent years, it had gotten worse (his addiction, and my ability to deal with that addiction). I was completely blind sighted and heartbroken. Left to deal with all of the things I should have said, should have done. Those were some of the most difficult days of my life. So as the year went on, and with some assistance from a therapist (oh, I'm not too proud, therapy is good for the soul people)...I was able to deal. I've been able to deal with the issue of his addiction, of his passing, and of our relationship. My dad loved me the best way he knew how. And that is enough for me.

So, I have been living on this journey to positivity in order to restore my soul. Because, you know, your soul gets pretty banged up when hard stuff happens. 

You won't even guess what the best part is. Or maybe you will.

The best part of my journey this year has been how it has impacted my relationship with the Lord. I mean, there is no better medicine for my soul than a little dose of Jesus' love. And when I am reminded of His love for me, I just melt. And I cannot believe it, because I am so undeserving...but he is ever faithful. 

Which brings me to our next hurdle of this year, which has reminded me that I need to keep trusting, keep praying, keep loving.


The first of November we found out we were pregnant. What began as a joy to our little family, quickly ended with heartbreak. In that very same week, we were also told that the pregnancy would not be viable and therefore we would miscarry. The days to follow were some of the most difficult we have experienced yet. It was one of those, "bring-you-to-your-knees" moments that we just had to trust that the Lord was keeping us, protecting us, preparing us for something greater. In those moments, we begged for strength and mercy. I mourned for my sweet little child who had not yet been born, and whom I would not get the chance to hold. My husband was a rock in those days, so steadily carrying the weight of our loss, and holding me along with it.

I'm stronger because I had to be. 

I'm smarter because of my mistakes.

Happier because of the sadness I've known.

And now I'm wiser because I have learned. 

You see, I believe no one is exempt from hard times. It's what you do with those hard times that matters. To be completely honest, I don't know that I necessarily believe in the ever popular idea that "God won't give you more than you can handle" either. I look at it more like, sometimes bad things happen in life that we don't understand, or haven't planned for, or don't expect and they find us when our guard is down and its a way for us to learn to lean not on our own understanding, but on the Lord's. 

I am a believer in new beginnings. I am a believer that He makes all things new. I am a believer in goodness, and hope. I CHOOSE to believe these things, each and every day. And it's not always easy, but if I keep walking in the light then surely the light will shine on me and eventually through me.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:16

So I ask myself often (being the perfectionist person that I am), what if I fall? And I've pretty much discovered that I AM going to fall sometimes, and I'm adjusting to that. But then there's this little voice of hope that says, "oh but darling, what if you fly?" 

-Anna

Answers

It's been a few months since my last post. I had assumed I would blog more when summer hit, but I have been so consumed with spending time with my little family it's been difficult to sit down and do it. Should I also mention I've started my MASTERS! I'm a crazy girl, I know. But I have to get it done before any more babes. That's my goal. Being a professional, an effective teacher, its important to me and I didn't want to loose that in myself. I want to be fair to myself and show my son how to follow Gods will for his life even when it's not cookie cutter simple. That's that. I'm doing it, and I wouldn't have had the faith to jump into it had my husband not pushed me! He's my support. So that being said, I just finished my homework for the night and wanted to reflect on today and the past few months (since I am such a dedicated blogger).

RANT: I will NEVER be a that insanely amazing perfect blogger, with tons of projects completed, organized house, life, etc. SORRY. AND it's hard sometimes because I am such a perfectionist. That's why Pinterest is bad for me sometimes. Makes be feel constantly inadequate.

BUT THEN I REMEMBER: My little family is IMPERFECTLY PERFECT. And I LOVE this life. So its okay. It's messy sometimes. And then I clean it up. :) Haha. My hubby hates it when I get all OCD. 

Okay, so past few months have been wonderful. Summer began and we HAVE been working on some house projects, some baby projects, and have been loving our time with Huddy.

Recap of the past few months:

1. Hudson has 4 teeth.

2. Hudson can crawl.

3. Hudson talks and laughs ALL of the time. It is PURE joy.

4. Hudson is pulling up. Freaking me out.

5. House has been BABY PROOFED!

6. Hudson eats ALL of time! And he feeds himself. He's like a real little human. Whoa. 

7. Hudson loves to swim.

8. Mommy is a nervous wreck all of the time with all this movement.

9. Feet check up NEXT WEEK. (Crossing our fingers for daytime FREE feet, aka, boots and brace will only be worn while sleeping.)

10. God has still been faithful. No words.

A boy and his dog. He is in love with Lucy. We warned her this would happen. She definitely had it coming!

Discovering black beans are SO messy, but SO fun. Boys.

Enjoying Nanna & Pop Pop's pool.

The face of ornery!

Today we had a long awaited appointment to get some answers about Hudson's club feet and minor hand issues. First of all, can I just say how blessed we are to have such a wonderful Children's hospital right here in our city with so many wonderful doctors and nurses? Ok, yes. It's true. It's wonderful. 

Today we met with a Genetics doctor. We went in with several puzzle pieces, club feet, deformities in his hands, fused spinal bones, and possibly some eye, and heart issues. We left with a diagnosis. Hudson has what is called Duane-Radial Ray Syndrome. It's a pretty huge answer to prayer to know now what this disorder is that has affected my family for five generations now. It's what I have with my little crooked thumb, and what several other family members have. For so long, they assumed Hudson's clubfeet was an isolated case, but today we discovered that clubfeet is just a variation of this syndrome. He may have a slight "lazy eye" although not very noticeable. He also has a very small heart murmur, which is not of huge concern as they are fairly common. One of the other symptoms of this syndrome is hearing loss so Hudson will go in for regular hearing tests. His Daddy also has mid range hearing loss and that's a family trait on his side so it's pretty possible Hudson will have to deal with some of that as well. 

I just wanted to cry today. At first, I was so happy to finally know that we had a diagnosis and that we could use that to know what to expect. So I wanted to cry because I was happy. It's a big deal. Then, it was all just a little overwhelming, and I wanted to cry because I didn't know what his future would bring him. It took me back to the same moment when we discovered he had club feet to begin with. Isn't every mother's wish for their child to live a full, happy, wonderful life? That's all I want for my precious Huddy. I never want ANY syndrome, label, disorder, disease, abnormality, or difference to stop him from doing what he wants to accomplish. Never. And I never want to see him hurting or sad because he feels he isn't accepted or that he can't do something. I know any good parent feels this same way. 

So then I find myself remembering that these doubts, and fears, they don't have any substance. The devil is doing his darndest to get me to feel defeated. And I refuse to give into that. I have hope that my little man is going to do GREAT things. I've said it all along, God has BIG plans for this kid. Just look at that last picture! 

Man, when I think about how my heart aches at that the thought of my baby hurting in any way shape or form it makes me wonder if this is any glimpse of how Jesus feels when we are hurting? Goodness. It's overwhelming. 

I can honestly tell you that Hudson doesn't have any directly serious medical issues from this syndrome and for that, I am grateful. This adventure of parenting is wonderful, and I am blessed God chose me to be Hudson's mommy. 

Anna

Mama said there'd be days like this

Time for an update. Lots to update! First, I just need to say that I really enjoy getting to share our story through this blog. I used to write all the time. It was therapeutic, and I sincerely loved it. I had journals full of diary entries, prayers, thoughts, whatever. Being able to write again has reminded me how much I loved it, and why it was so important to me.

October - Lots & lots of cuddles with the boy. He was Tigger for Halloween. He slept through all of the trick or treaters coming. October flew by fast I felt like. I guess that's what happens when you have a new baby! We are so blessed with Hudson though. He is such a happy baby. In October, he started smiling...a lot. Nothing better. Nothing.

Everyone always asks us, "is he a good sleeper?" I just smile and say "yes, yes he is." I did so much reading about babies with clubfeet before Hudson was born so I could prepare myself for what would be to come, and what I read a lot of what that babies with club feet have a harder time sleeping through the night. Makes since. With all of the castings, surgeries, and the brace...I totally got it. But when Hudson slept through the night for the first time at 3 weeks...I was appalled. I just knew it wouldn't last. But it did. He has only had a few "sleepless" nights here and there due to some uncomfort from his treatment. Those nights seem so long. But I often have to remind myself how LUCKY we are that he just did this on his own. He's amazing.

November - Hudson had his tenotomy at the beginning of the month. It was really an unexplainable feeling to know that this was the right thing, the best thing for Hudson even, but to know that he was going to have to go through pain to get there was SO hard. I do think this was the hardest part of the entire treatment process.  They casted him immediately afterward, and we took him home right after the procedure. That might have been the scariest part. We were told to watch his bleeding, and that if it was excessive to call. He had some big spots of blood on his casts, and we freaked a little but in the end it all ended up to be okay.

We also celebrated Hudson's first Thanksgiving this month. He didn't get to fully enjoy the holiday, but I imagine next year he will indulge in some turkey and mashed 'taters. :)

I went back to work the following week after Thanksgiving. Being a working mama is a whole different ballgame people. All mama's work hard, and stay at home mama's work hard, I know, but being a working mama is pretty tough. There is a lot to balance. Being devoted to both career and family. I especially think teachers have it tough. I know so many teachers that work so many late hours just to give their students the best they deserve. As a mommy, its a tug of war of devotion. I am slowing figuring out how to manage it all. I love my job, and it is my calling in life. But I have quickly learned that I am FIRST and FOREMOST a mommy to Hudson and wife to Ry, then I am a teacher.

December - Has begun! It is my very favorite time of the year, and not just because of my birthday. ;) I just love the entire environment of December! The shopping, the lights, the cool crisp air, family, and lots of love! The biggest thing so far? Hudson is cast FREE! Last week he got the casts removed, and we came home in a new brace (aka snowboard)! The best part about the brace is free feet bath time. Hudson loves it. And I really love touching his little toes! The adjustment to the brace has been a little bit of a challenge for Hudson. He has had to learn to kick both feet at the same time, and his right foot has been a little sore. But we are going to make it through this transition phase just like we have every other step of the way.

You wanna know the best part about this whole process? The Lord has been with us each step of the way. We are so blessed to know He has not left our side.

Joshua 1:9

As I watched Hudson coo and laugh the other night, it was as if I heard a voice inside tell me something very important about him. He is a very special boy. The Lord has plans for my son. Amazing plans. He is going to be the hands and feet of Christ.